Seasons Never Last Forever
It seemed like everywhere I turned these past few months I heard that I was entering the strangest year of my life.
I heard the word miserable more than a few times, confusing and wonderful used in the same sentences. Now, on the other side of this first untethered month, I get it. There’s no end date on my job description, no promise I’ll return to what’s been normal for the past four years. There’s only a gloomy office building, and the writing on the wood-paneled walls reads, “You won’t be here long.” I hope the walls aren’t lying.
The truth is, this season has felt so far like a free fall. I was warned about this: it’s not bad, but it’s different. I’m starting over, from the ground up, with new expectations and new routines and a new normal. Even the familiar bits of life are somehow changed. I am somehow changed.
All of that change tends to bring with it a significant dizziness. My days are often punctuated by the pounding drumbeat of an anxious heart. I have more questions than answers.
Growing is good work, but it’s hard work.
And some days, the good is harder to see. Weeks of thunderstorms start to wear on my soul, and the promise of Someday Soon feels like a dream better forgotten. Those are the rough days, days that drive me to solitude, to seasons of old sitcoms, to shutting down. Those are also the days that teach me the most.
Because on those days, when I feel dizzy and distrustful of my own ability to stand up, I stand up anyway. The truth rings clear that there are things in books that can’t be gained from Netflix. That there are relationships to cultivate and invest in and learn from. I spend days wanting to be somewhere important or somewhere new, but the big world I want so badly to inhabit already exists outside my quiet bedroom. So instead of retreating, I put on some real pants and drive my little silver car out into the world.
Out there I find quiet places filled with books or flowers or coffee.
I find friends and silly adventures and serious conversations.
I find a community of believers and doers and encouragers.
I seek out the things that fill me up, and I surround myself with them.
In the unpredictable beauty of living, I find the peace I would never have if I stayed in bed all day. I find the wonderful part of this weird year that everyone warned me about. And on the hardest days, I make sure to take time to breathe in the timid peace that comes with the knowledge that seasons never last forever.
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