It's Nothing Personal
I flake out easily on plans. I know I do.
Most of the time I really do have every intention of going out, but I just don’t. It’s something I need to work on: just say no from the beginning and quit giving you hope.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I have been extra flaky these past few months - I mean like Parisian croissant flaky - and I still can’t put my finger on it. I’m not going to sit here like I have an excuse. I make the conscious decision to go somewhere or not, but I know there’s a root cause to it all.
A part of the reason I flake out is that I’m super “I” on the Myers-Briggs test and haven’t had any time to recharge. It’s not that I don’t like you or want to hang out with you, it’s that I just need time to just be. And as I’ve written about before, time is very scarce.
The best way to explain what being truly introverted is like besides the typical Buzzfeed article - although it’s pretty spot on - is that you’re an electric car. You’re quiet, get great fuel economy, but it’s hard to find charging stations. Seems like everyone else has a gas station around the corner but you search far and wide before you barely make it to an outlet to finally get rest. During the week at work I’m driving 90 MPH on the highway. I finally exit on Friday afternoon only to get inundated with calls and texts to get back on the highway and drive until Sunday. I can’t do it all the time or I’ll run out of energy and stall in the middle of the highway.
“But wait,” you’re asking, “How did you survive last summer abroad with like 80 people for a whole month?”
Headphones were definitely a contributing factor. I don’t know what I would’ve done without them. Every bus or train ride, I had my headphones in, taking in the landscape out the window. Breaks were few and people were many, so I took every opportunity possible to put my music in and zone out. I also had a week to myself, probably my favorite week on the trip, where I got to go to as many museums as I wanted in complete silence (aka my heaven on Earth).
In retrospect, I probably went out more in the four weeks I was in Europe than I have in the past 7 months back home. You’ve certainly invited me to more things while back in the States but as usual, I flake. Yes, I’m introverted but there’s more to it. Maybe since I grew up here, not much is new anymore. Maybe it’s as simple as this: I need a vacation and then I’ll go out more.
I don’t know the answer but all I can say is, I’m sorry. It’s not you, it’s me. It’s nothing personal, I just can’t go out every time. I’ll work harder at saying no from the start but when I do, don’t think I don’t want to be your friend.